Life with no ceiling

This past week, I was talking to my PT about this whole pool concept that’s been kicking around in my head for weeks.  I have my first lesson tonight, and I had been starting to feel a little overwhelmed, like I had jumped in (no pun intended) a little too quickly. Not to mention I’ve been sticking with my MO of picking some of the most difficult things to accomplish, which is tough when “patience of a saint” doesn’t quite describe who I am.

I am still constantly on that balance beam of trying to figure out how to make CP a part of my life instead of letting it mold me, and that becomes an even more of a struggle when you are constantly choosing physical challenges and physical goals for yourself.  One of the biggest downfalls of creating physical challenges (anyone remember Nickeloden’s Double Dare?! :)) is that we constantly want to make comparisons.  I say we because we are all the same in this way, disability or not, we are human. We compare. We compete. And we try our damnedest to come out on top.  This comparison always gets tricky for me though, since it’s not quite fair to me to start comparing the things I do physically to “normal” able-bodied people.  However, I can’t exactly compare myself to someone with CP, because it comes in so many different forms, you’d be hard pressed to find someone exactly the same. Okay, I know some of you are probably thinking “you shouldn’t compare at all. it’s bad. blah blah”, but I’m pretty sure we can all think of at least one time we have done that, so that option is off the table. It’s not realistic.

A ways into our conversation, my PT said to me “the sky’s the limit for you” and it got me thinking…

It’s a funny thing to think about when you take the time, isn’t it? (Which is probably why you’re not really supposed to take the time, but of course I do.) The sky being the limit to everything we want to do, try to do, or will ever do in our lives? We can never actually touch the sky. The closest I’ve ever come is being in an airplane, and even then there is still such vast, amazing space above me.

In my case, I think starting to understand that the sky is the limit begins by realizing that not being having someone else to compare to is actually one of the best gifts I could receive. It gives me no ceiling, nothing to measure up to.  It allows me to see what a can do and to never stop trying. Ever.

So for now, I’m waking up each morning and asking “What can I accomplish today?” For me. Based on my standards.

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The Dance

That last post I wrote was totally me pulling a Debbie Downer. I was feeling stuck in a rut, and didn’t really know what to do. I can’t really apologize for my feelings as they were expressed, but I can definitely apologize leaving everyone wondering what the heck was going on for a few days.

Crossroads came at the perfect time this week (along with a visit from my college roommate and a spin class) and has really helped me get back on track both mentally and physically. I’m not going to go into details, since a lot of it was really…profound actually…and quite personal as far as the whole brain effecting the body; body effecting the brain thing goes, but what I can say this this:

I’m learning that, sometimes, the only thing to do is to get upset, and get angry, and not know what to do. Because if you deny yourself those emotions, they can so easily turn to hate. Hatred of the situation your in, or worse, hatred of yourself. That is a difficult place to be, and somewhere even more difficult to climb out of once you’re there.

There’s a fine line between the two sides, between the two “worlds” I often say I feel like I find myself living it. It truly is a dance. And the only way to dance it well is to take it each step at a time. I’m still learning the steps…