I started this blog post a month ago in an effort to inform all of you loyal readers about my newest endeavor to run another 5K in April and talk about how I was going to train for it using a training plan that any “normal” runner would use. Well, the title of the post is still accurate, but my topic has changed. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m still going to be running the 5K, it’s just not what I feel the need to share right now.
What’s on my mind is running of a different sort. Running from my fears, running from change, and running from the one thing I so desperately want. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months. And it took a car accident, some extremely tough love, and a lot of tears for me to figure this out. I’ve always been a dreamer. I strongly believe that we are nothing without our dreams and our dreams, hopes, and aspirations are ultimately what make us who we are. So, you’d think for someone who believes this, I’d have no problem following my own dreams, right? Wrong. I’m the one that everyone loves to share their goals will. I’ll believe in you unconditionally. It’s in transferring that belief onto myself that the problem starts to develop.
I love adventures. I love that adreniline rush of doing something that you never thought you could–that everyone told you you couldn’t do. Lately though, I’ve been running. I’ve been running in the wrong direction, listening to the voices of those who tell me I should just live this life like it is, and I’ve been trapped by my fears. I pretend like I’m moving through them and going after my dream, but I’m actually just going through the motions.
Fear is such a strange emotion. It can motivate you or it can paralyze you. It may not seem that you can control the outcome, but I’m starting to learn that you can. You have the choice to let that fear become real, or to take that adventure and be willing to fall…and hope you succeed. As I’m sitting here writing this, I’m realizing how ambiguous I am when I write sometimes. So, for once, I think I’m going to put it all out there and be honest.
That one thing I so desperately want: to walk
My fears (maybe in a particular order, I don’t know though): falling, failing, proving everyone right if I do fail, wasting my time, it not being enough–it never being enough…just to name the few that are almost always on my mind.
I feel like I’m just rambling. I promise I do have a point. It just might not tie into a neat little package like you’d want it to. Life never works that way. The other night, I was having a particularly rough time with this whole fear thing. I’ve recently been blessed with some great opportunities and some that I thought would be great and “the answer”, that ended up getting cut too soon–or so I thought. Here I was, thinking that I needed someone to tell me exactly what to do and when to do it if I wanted to succeed. Since I didn’t have that person, I didn’t think it could happen. This has been a pattern of mine for years. Luckily, I have someone in my life who can spin me back to reality every now and then and tell me to suck it up, face my fears, and do what needs to be done.
I was–and still am–afraid to be alone, afraid to be out there with myself and trusting myself to succeed. But, this isn’t for anyone else, but me. I’m starting to see that the people around me care; but their worlds aren’t going to crumble if I don’t succeed. They have their own goals and fears to deal with. This has to be for me; first and foremost, and when I succeed and am happy…THEN everyone else that I want so badly to include will be there…they can’t hold my hand all the time, because then I’m not walking alone. Literally and figuratively.
Where does this fit into running? Well, I told you we’d get there. This winter in still the winter of running for me. While I’m literally running to try and take on this 5K on April 25, 2010 with a time less than my first of 2:11:31, I’m also running away from these fears that have trapped me for far too long and toward my dreams. Each day of training, each step whether giant ot extremely small, will, without a doubt, bring me closer…because now I know, more than ever before, that I am giving my all–for me. On that day in April, my ultimate goal of walking by myself across our graduation stage will be liss than one month away; and while there is a lot of time and hard work to be put in between now and then, there is one thing I know for sure. Because I’m willing to let myself fall, and do this for me, my committment to this goal has never been stronger, and will not falter.