Sometimes, when I’m writing this blog and the topic centers around CP or having a disability, I feel like I’m gloating. No, not gloating, maybe almost glorifying things? I don’t know, I can’t think of the word I’m looking for. I can only describe it. I guess sometimes I feel like readers, or people I know in general, think that I try to make a distinction that my life is different from other people’s because I have CP, that things are harder, etc. I think it’s actually the opposite.  I think I try to make the point that my life is no different, that I can do things just like everyone else can, that my life is normal.

I’ve always found it funny (read: frustrating) though, that even though people want you to be real, they only want you to be real about the funny, awesome, positive things like road races and intellect and social life. So, for once (or at least for the first time in a while), I’m going to take a stab at honesty. Real, raw honesty. Disclaimer: Stop reading here if you’re one of those people I described above. Experience tells me you may not enjoy the rest.

My life is just like so many people my age out there. I often stay/stayed up too late and sleep too much, can find fun in almost anything, made spur of the moment decisions that, looking back, were well worth it but at the time were probably not the smartest, skip the gym for pints of ice cream and movie nights, develop crushes on men that are so not worth it (both famous and definitely not), and yes, on occasion even went out to the bar with a paper due the next morning that still wasn’t done (sorry Mom and Dad)!!

My question is: why shouldn’t my life be just like everyone else’s in that I get stressed out, overwhelmed, angry, unmotivated, need I go on?! I don’t really know where this is coming from. I think the whole idea of living back at home for 6 months now instead of being away like I’ve been used to for the past four years is starting to catch up to me. Even though I only lived a half hour away, it was still two different worlds. If I got stressed out over something, I could walk to a friend’s room or call them up and escape for a while. It was simple and didn’t require planning ahead. I know that once I get my license, that’ll be easier, but it hasn’t been the easiest process so far and the few months I have left before I’m ready to take the test don’t seem to be flying by either. I think, too, my mind is taking a huge toll on my body and vice versa. I was so blessed that for all 4 years of college I went to a gym that was 10 minutes from school, where my cousin taught classes and where health services could easily give me a ride (I cleverly said I was going to PT. I mean, it wasn’t a total lie!) if my roommates didn’t want to go. My my junior and senior years, I was spinning at least 2x a week, sometimes 3 or 4, and was in such good physical and mental shape.  That’s all changed now that the gym is a half hour away and it’s harder to deal with getting there. I go to PT twice a month and try to make the most out of that when I’m there and at home in between, but nothing beats the high from that bike. Transportation is such a huge issue for so many people in my shoes. I wish either that State training system would get better, or there would be more reliable and user-friendly transportation services.

Sorry for the major vent session, it’s just been getting to me lately and what good is this blog if I’m not completely honest to the loyal readers I’ve been so blessed to gain over the past few months?! I guess I just feel like when you live with one foot in the “I have [insert disability here], and I want to be proud of it and strong in spite of it” world, and one foot in the “I live a normal life and want to be treated as such” world; sometimes things…most especially emotions, get lost in the opposition of the two worlds to each other.


One thought on “Honesty

  1. Just wanted to say that I agree with you on this post – it gets to me too. Cool blog, by the way. I’ll be checking in more often! A huge congratulations on graduating college and on your amazing recent results. I am about to enter my second year and it is always nice to see that it can be done and that I can succeed if I work hard enough no matter the obstacles. Cheers.

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