NOTE: The original date this post was started was April 17, 2010…
Today I was sitting down with a friend talking about, and stressing about, this goal that I have that I’ve mentioned before of walking by myself across the graduation stage. As of yesterday I had one month until that day. It’s been love-hate with me and this topic and well, lately it’s been hate. Not that I don’t want to or that I’ve given up, it’s just been a struggle. A struggle of faith, a struggle of strength, and more than anything a struggle of mental stability.
Do you ever want something so badly that it consumes you? So badly that it becomes you? That’s me.
Over the past few months, while other things in my life have been hanging by the wayside and some barely hanging on, this has flourished. It’s become stronger and stronger. I’ve broken through the fear (mostly) and I’ve broken through my need to keep it a secret. It has been an amazing feeling to wake up and know that I can step out on my own, even if only for a step or two before the ground below me feel like it’s shaking…a feeling that I’m sure most of you reading this take advantage of without even meaning to. It’s been even more amazing to do this and to call my mom and say, “Hey, this is what I did just now”, something I haven’t been able to do for years, out of my own fear of letting people in and watching all I’ve worked for fade away.
UPDATE: Well, graduation was a week ago yesterday, and I did not walk across the stage 100% independently. I used my crutches and, although not the orginal plan, I was so incredibly happy that I did so! It showed that I was able to take on this event on my own and show how far I have come, not using my walker.
Even though the plan changed, the title of this post and the premise of writing it remains the same. JUST BELIEVE. When I sat and talked with this friend he asked me a simple question. “Do you believe it can happen.” For the first time in a very long time I answered “Yes” and look where it’s gottwn me. I’ve been using my crutches completely 100% of the time to get around since April 23, 2010.
It doesn’t matter what it is, just believe. It doesn’t matter if no one else believes with you, just believe.