The Right Recipe?

I can’t sleep and at 2am, when I can’t sleep, I blog. I don’t really know what’s on my mind right now or, actually, what’s not on my mind right now. It seems like lately I can’t pause long enough to even keep track.

I had a Crossroads appointment on Thursday and I definitely needed it. My PT was Matt, who I love, but who hasn’t treated me since Camp in August (before I was even an official client), so I was a little nervous. I’ve been having different PTs lately because I needed an longer appointment after the car accident which put me on someone else’s schedule. It was a really interesting session. Like most sessions, I’m not really sure what he was working on. I think something to do with my hips and spine alignment. That must be it because both of those areas are still sore. After he got done working there though, we were just talking as he was doing some other things and Matt asked me if I’ve noticed any differences since I’ve started coming for treatment on a regular basis. I told him of course I did, but that I couldn’t really explain how just that I knew I felt better–my body felt better. Matt said he had to ask because he noticed some big differences since the last time he treated me. First off, he told me that my body was much more relaxed, and had an easier time relaxing, than it originally did. He also said that there was much less muscle tone throughout my body. This is actually a good thing and very good for someone with my form of Cerebral Palsy. High muscle tone is what makes it most difficult for your body to carry out the messages it actually receives from your brain because it is too tense or being hyper vigilant in a way. For there to be less muscle tone means that there’s improvements happening in my Central Nervous System, which will help to improve the more noticeable physical changes you might expect. I don’t know if that made any sense, it’s 2am, but I hope it did! Lastly, he told me that he remembers having to help me lift my legs up to lay down on the treatment table in August. Something that I do on my own without even thinking about it now.

I wasn’t expecting to hear any of these improvements, but I’m elated that I did! I needed to hear them. The last thing Matt said to me was, “I’m not sure what you’ve been doing, but keep doing it, because you seem to have found the right recipe.” That’s the funny part. I have no idea what I’ve been doing. On the physical side, it hasn’t seemed like I’ve been doing much of anything, except for the past week or so I’ve gotten back to stretching nightly and trying to walk without holding on to something a little everyday. Maybe that’s what he means. I’m not sure. That is definitely something I’m proud of though because I feel like it is the strongest act of commitment I’ve displayed in a few months and even in the week that I’ve been doing it, it hasn’t felt like I chore and I haven’t pressured myself by keeping track of each move I make. I’ve just made the attempt each day and, quite honestly, enjoyed the challenge and accomplishment.

My path over the past month or so has been quite unknown. I’ve gone from fully believing this dream was possible, to doubting everything about it, even the ground I’m standing on. I’ve had trust strengthened and trust shattered all within the same day–both of myself and some around me. That’s why hearing of those improvements came at such an important time. I guess it just has to do with the fact that we spend every moment of every day in this skin with ourselves, so it’s difficult to see the changes that could be occurring. I’m just glad to know they are. And proud of myself too even!

I think that’s all I have for tonight, even though there is plenty more floating around in my head. Hopefully that was enough to send me to sleep.

New Year, New You?

Happy New Year! Here we go again with the ramblings of Molly.
This year was the first New Year’s Eve that I’ve spent away from my family, away from the busy and over crowded restaurant my parent’s own, and away from, well, anything familiar and comfortable. Instead, I stood still in a sea of people at Disney’s Hollywood Studios with two of my best friends and a drink in hand. And as I stood there watching the most spectacular fireworks display I’ve ever seen, I was at peace. I stood and reflected on 2009 as I always do, but for the first time in many years I wasn’t fast forwarding and planning out the future of 2010. As I dialed back in to everything around me and listened to the DJ music in the background, it was not Auld Lange Syne that was playing (which is fabulous because I’ve never really liked that song). First the DJ played Let It Be by The Beatles, then Dream On by Aerosmith. Yes, this was ridiculously ironic, but I just laughed to myself and enjoyed the first new moments of 2010 unfolding before me.
Ever since I was little, I’ve been the girl with the big dreams, and New Year’s Resolutions were no exception. Well all my friends thought cleaning their room every week was a good choice, I chose things like staying on top on my exercise program that I’ve had to deal with all my life. I didn’t believe in small goals, or small dreams for that matter. Life didn’t stop just because the calendar year changed over. Even knowing this I continued to make lengthy resolutions (last year’s four being two pages long) and continued to not follow through on them. I would get extremely annoyed with myself looking at this as quitting or becoming lazy because I didn’t want to do the work. While that was sometimes, unfortunately, the case, this New Year’s Eve taught me something more.
I wasn’t quitting or becoming lazy, but I was doing something with no purpose, no reason, no drive. Life doesn’t stop just because the calendar year has changed over. It never will. So what I learned this year was this: everything you want to do, you should want to do year round. If you don’t, change it. Getting stuck in a pattern of dread it pointless. I learned that I need to let things be and continue to dream regardless of what I may encounter in trying to achieve those dreams. And lastly, I’ve learned that it’s not New Year, New You. It’s about being who you are and matching that up with who you want to be. You don’t have to change everything, or anything for that matter, for that to happen.
So, what’s my New Year’s Resolution this year? Well, I don’t believe in them anymore. I believe you should always have goals and coming up with them on January 1st makes them no more special. I believe in giving yourself second, third, and fourth–an infinite number of chances–so that is what I entend to do.
This year and everyday for the rest of my life, it is my goal to just be. It is my goal to live life and do all that I can, without fear.
You should try it! 🙂